Favorite Woody Allen Quotes

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.


Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.


If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.


If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. 


In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. 


Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 


Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.


Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

Marriage is the death of hope.


Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.


Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.


Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.


Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.


Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. 


The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. 


Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. 


To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. 


What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.


When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. 


When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.